Saturday, May 03, 2014

In silence

Allow me to be clear about this.

Some people effect your momentum greatly. Whether the swing is in a positive direction or not depends on the type of person he or she is, coupled with the type of effect he or she is inflicting upon you.

I am thankful, often to their face, those who help shift the pendulum positively. I am helpless in circumstances other than those. I guess I hardly know better.

In any event, let me reintroduce you to something I've always known – as have you – silence.

In whatever little time I've spent in reflecting over what I've done, I've found that saying some things has worsened situations for me – regardless of the fact that they were intended to band-aid the very same. From what was left of me to deduce, I've faced rebuttal in apologies, majorly because the statements were uncalled for. I've faced rejection because I'd said too much. Confusion to the point of ouroboros where I now blame my words in absence of reason of anything else, like a man dwindling in his footsteps in the middle of a desert in search for the moisture of water.

I'm transitioning into this strange land, where the background music is telling me to shut up.

I tell too many people too many things. Good, or bad, is out of question now. Honesty is a virtue, but I'm in emergency here.

The irony is that I've said it again, in print, on this journal of a blog.

Allow me to be clear. I think I give up. I can't take it or go on like this.

Literally, for once, it would be great to be believed in, rather than to pass that into someone. It would be a godsend to receive the motivation I tend to inject.

So maybe I do need to shut up. Or haven't I already? By not answering the million doorbells that ring – telling myself to function in a one-track manner. I think I have. Broken contact with too much, and somewhere, deep down in the least, it affects me.

Some people effect your momentum greatly. The absence of some, just as much.

Or maybe it doesn't – my self contradiction, love of em dashes, and loss of motivation to make you or myself understand anything tells me just as much as you're reading.

Shutting up – where do I start and where do I go from here? Not posting anything here ever again, and deleting all trace of it because it won't matter anyway?

For some reason, I'm convinced that if I spend enough time alone, everything will be okay.

Yet, for some reason, solitary confinement is the worst punishment the legal system could come up with.